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It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt this kind of selfless love, where I can get a taste of how God must feel toward every single one of us: in the words of Carolyn, just happy seeing us go about our day, happy watching us, happy for the company, and ecstatic when we love him back or show any sign of affection. But the key difference is that God doesn’t DEPEND on me, He LOVES me. But for humans, dependence and love are interconnected. I can never love someone without expecting to be dependent on that person. That is, I can never love a stranger out of the blue because I know I can’t depend on them. Unless it’s someone in need. Then that’s different, because I know they’ll be grateful for my love and will feel indebted, and that indebtedness is my expectation. See, this kind of human love, in this sense, is limited and selfish, but it’s the greatest love I can muster so far.

is no time to be needy. 

Everybody’s so busy. I should be too. Whatcha doing, heart. 

Williams supplement: Imagine looking through a window at an environment that is particularly significant to you. 

“A cool summer breeze ripples through the kidney bean shaped pond, exciting tiny waves that lap against the water’s stony edges. A pink-and-green-patterned ring of bricks hugs the pond like a garland, providing an ideal space for after-dinner strolls and pre-dawn exercises. Here on the brick path I catch a thousand glimpses of the bobbing gray head of my Grandma walking ahead of me. Her arms swing proudly like those of a soldier while her soft curls bounce in the wind. No 74-year-old plump body with a heart condition can get in her way. Every day without fail, she makes time for her high-spirited treks around the pond, sweeping past the lazy floating ducks and engraving a trail of footprints in her wake. The evening breeze that cradles the leaves and spreads the taste of summer blows to me Grandma’s boundless vibrancy and joy for life. These qualities provide me with a lofty goal. When I am 80 years old, my black coils will fly in the wind, my ready laughter will echo into the setting sun, and I will make those same precise and resolute steps, with my head held high and not a worry in the world.” 

 Gah Grandma. I hope to see you soon! >.<

Filling out all these apps (LSA, Dickey, Tucker) made me go back to read my college essays. Ahh such nostalgia. Some are still my favorite writings. I wish my essays and applications in college can still be edited and revised and distilled so meticulously and intensely. I’m so proud of my earlier self’s work ethic :) 

I need God. He’s given me a lot more peace this exam around, but it’s definitely hard to break out of the habit of constant worrying and self blaming. 

Reading Agape siblings’ blogs is so encouraging. Just needed those few sentences and and that one song and a couple of minutes, and my perspective went from tunnel vision down to looking up. Thank you. 

brain = pulpy poopy mush right now. can’t… think…

after orgo exams I can never manage to do anything but groan and stare. and sleep.

ha. 

That was the worst one yet. 

csuresh:

Alice and I are the next generation of orgo students dying in McCulloch.

So many memories. Ah, spring term.

and I’m the next generation of orgo students dying and feeding dying orgo students in McCulloch. Yay! :)

(via csuresh-deactivated20111205)

Major weakness: I compare myself to people a lot. like, a LOT. And really, who am I to judge? Who am I to say things are unfair? How little do I know about others and about myself, really - what others don’t have, and I do have? Epicurus said, “Do not ruin what you have by desiring what you have not.” 

That’s so true, and the Bible convicts me of that. We’re born with infinite potential, so much more than we can develop in a lifetime. Skills we don’t even think we can develop right now. Anything is possible with God. In the Bible, the Israelites kept asking for more and more land, outside their given blessed territory. Instead of fighting enemies on their land and clearing it out for themselves, like God told them to do, they instead took the easy way out, coveting land that had been given to others, that God hadn’t intended for them. And THAT didn’t turn out well.

Turn land into skills, talents, abilities, and how similar we are to the Israelites. We want to covet abilities that are most prominent, like having social skills and being popular and liked, like blowing the curve on orgo (sorry too much orgo?) exams even without studying as hard, like being good at sports, like having a star talent like kicking butt at the piano. Gosh we’re vain. So vain. 

And we’re so fragile when it comes to hurdles. It’s something I’ve realized over and over. We’ve been blessed and gifted many times over, and yet we find more and more things to brood about, even amidst all these things we should feel joy and thankfulness for.

It’s funny how one class can get us so down, me and the people around me. We feel that one accident on a test will screw us over, will make us fail the course, or will make us change our whole Dplan and even life plan. I really need to learn to just take it one step at a time, and not worry about the future so much. Because really, if I have a heart for God and seek him first, the rest will come easy, will fall into place. It’s something I’m so good at forgetting. I seem so set on a personal goal - like doing really well and getting a citation in orgo (sooo not gonna happen anymore) — which is good to some extent, but it makes me lose sight and feel disillusioned and extremely hard on myself when every hurdle comes my way. I need to learn that just because I have my heart dead set on accomplishing something, doesn’t mean the journey will be smooth or that I will even end up accomplishing it, no matter how hard I work. It’s not only part of life, but it’s part of God’s plan for me. With this in mind, I need to learn to take every frustration and freak-out moment along the way with an adjusted attitude, with the right heart, and, even, gasp, with joy. 

I’m very rigid on my plan As. I don’t have plan Bs and am even afraid to think about them. But every detour along the way has value, even if it seems all bad initially. And if I truly put my trust in God and seek him first, there is really no reason to freak out and worry. And that might be the difference between me and my non-Christian friends.

Bottom line: seek God, don’t worry. Everything will fall into place.

God: teach me to stop comparing myself to others, to stop coveting others’ abilities and develop the potential and skills I HAVE been blessed with. Teach me to accept every frustration with an open heart, to not kick myself and be too harsh on myself, to learn to laugh at my mistakes, because, gasp, we all make them. I just really really need to learn that and take that to heart.